“I did it, I started a blog, I wrote an introduction, it’s official I’m doing it!” These were all things I was very proud and excited about. I took the plunge, when I thought I couldn’t, now I just have to stick with it. it was a good feeling, to have made small progress already, I felt almost confident.
….and then a few hours later it hit me, like a Mack truck hitting a feral cat on the freeway, I’d taken the plunge, I’d told people I was writing a blog, I’d started and then panic set in hard and fast. What the hell was I playing at? I can’t write a blog, noone wants to hear my crap, I don’t do enough to write a blog, these people are going to laugh and ridicule me and so they should because Im about to make a complete jackass outta myself. Why did I think this was going to work? I lock myself in the bathroom. The sweats and shaking quickly become uncontrollable. Breathe is getting short. The walls are closing in on me and I feel there is no way out. It’s so hot in here, All i can “hear” is me screaming over and over at myself in my mind that I’m so stupid doing this, I’m in a ball on the ground trying to pull myself together. I cant. I can’t breathe, panic has well and truly taken over. Today it wins.
And 45 minutes later it was done, it was over, I had come back to reality and boy was I exhausted. Have you guys ever noticed how much energy having a panic attack actually uses? Even the shortest 10 minute panics leave me feeling exhausted and sick for hours. I have often wondered if it’s just something my body does as a way to forcibly rest my mind or whether other people feel the same level of exhaustion?
Im scared, I want to run and hide , I want to quit! All the first things I jump to after a big panic. Every time. I’m a runner, a hider, a ignore that ever happened so I don’t have to deal with it type, but instead I am here. Sharing with All of you, putting myself out there with the chance that I will be made fun of, and ya know what guys? I’m damn proud of myself. I’m not quiting. I’m here in all my awkward glory and im sticking with it, one panicky day at a time!
So thankyou guys for the support you didn’t know you had given me and for bearing with me whilst I get started. I don’t know how this is going to play out but I’m in for the ride 💯 percent and thankyou so much for joining me